ch-changes

Ok ok, it's been a while. Not that anyone reads this, but it's nice to take the thoughts out of my brain and put them into cyberspace for the entire human population to access and judge me accordingly. Comforting, truly.

My trip to Seattle was "interesting," to say the least. All of my expectations were completely wrong! (I take that back. The family drama was hardly unpredictable, har har har.) The people and places I thought I had a deep, lifelong connection with proved to be distant and changed; relationships with the most random were temporarily made to pass the time. Life is so dramatically different, yet tragically identical.

We're all at that age where stuff actually starts to matter. Bills have to be paid, jobs become a priority, and the network of people to keep us afloat is vital. The hard part is figuring out where all those things stack up against each other.

I think it'd be easier to stuff my head in a book for the next ten years and have an awesome career. I haven't decided if I want to get married, let alone have kids. Sure, it's like ten years away, but it's still kind of a big deal. I should probably DATE. But I don't wanna, no ma'am.

Blah blah blah, back to the topic. I'm changing. Sorta. "Times change, people don't," said Susan Tullar. Right-o. I had a slapintheface the other day when I was with a handfull of people. I was so not happy, but I kept going back to that 7th grade feeling: they are normal, I need to be like them. Force it. Make it work. Suck in your stomach and smile, pretend to be having a ball even though you have NO CLUE why you are still here.

I'm done pretending. Finished! I'm not normal. I don't watch a lot of TV. I don't work out and don't wear size 2. I don't go to church, but I'm pretty grounded in my beliefs. I have huge dreams that I'm almost ashamed of. I'm in the band, but I don't think I'm a "band geek." I like economics. I love to wear high heels, but won't dress up to go to the movies. I have a hiccup and hideous feet. I'm not happy with how I look, but you might not believe me because I was trained to sit up straight. If you can't say it out loud or look me in the eye, it's not worth saying or listening to. I never want to be dependent on anyone else for as long as I live, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone. I really really really like smart people who can question the world and have their own ideas, who aren't afraid to speak up. My family truly does mean the world to me, and every one of them is probably a hundred times cooler than all my friends.

I want to "fit in," but I have yet to find people that I really want to fit in with.

Facebook will probably be gone next week. Bookmark this page or something, I'll keep you updated. Because srsly, I need to get a life.

Love ya bye!